Ask any funeral director if you don’t believe me!

There are probably more deaths that occur in the week between Christmas and New Years than any other single week. Certainly in OUR newspaper, the obituaries went up dramatically from the usual daily number, about 50% in fact. While there are probably reasons why this occurs (people holding on for Christmas, one last chance to see the family etc. etc.) this is not the reason for this BLOG.

Many of you have “been there” … you have experienced the loss of a loved one, and the grief that follows.

As NEW people find this web site, looking for comfort and hope … WHAT WOULD YOU SAY to them. What did you find most helpful. What did you do that was most helpful? What do you wish you had done sooner, or differently.

E mail me your responses and we will collate the ideas into a blog or helpful article for people. By sharing YOUR experiences, and helping others, you may find surprising benefits.

ALSO, while I am asking for help here, are you a PHOTOGRAPHER?

As you know we use many images in our meditations etc. and we thought that some of you might like to submit some of your photos to be included in our meditations…. a scene, a flower, an individual … something that would be of interest.

Perhaps with the picture, you could also indicate the message or the emotion you feel it portrays. Depending on the response, we will offer several PRIZES and everyone who submits a photograph will be entered into the competition. Several people sent us some beautiful pictures lately which will complement our new upcoming meditations, and so we thought many more of you might like to get involved.

Keep an eye on this blog … we have some other ideas which we will be revealing shortly.

Dr Bill

Thoughts for the Day:

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.”

“Ulcers are something you get from mountain climbing over molehills.”

“You can’t change the past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.”

“We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they DO.”

What Do You Think?

I would really like to have your opinion. We have a brand new meditation, and this time, instead of just text, we have added a “voice over”. But we are not sure if people would just like to have the voice, or if they would like also to see the words of the text as well.

So we have produced BOTH … and would like to know what YOU think. Please watch BOTH versions of the meditation and let us know which you prefer. We are also open to any constructive criticism about what could improve the meditation. (Constructive criticism not only says what you don’t like, but how you would change it.) We would like to know if the font is good, how you find the speed, and any other comments that would enable us to produce a more meaningful message.

View Meditation without titles

View Meditation with titles

This meditation is entitled “A Letter to my Loved Ones” and is designed to give a grieving person an idea of what their loved one might say to encourage them to go on.

We will post this for 2 weeks. You may respond by commenting through the forum.

On October 29th we will draw 3 winners from all the replies, and send out a copy of a brand new CD with 5 meditations, which we will have available for market in early November.

Let us know what you think.

Dr Bill

Thought:

“My idea of success is this: ‘Throw out the ballast and the balloon will rise’.”

Yesterday afternoon, a tree on our street cracked in the strong winds and a huge limb fell across the roadway. The word from the workmen who were dispatched to clean up the mess was that the tree was “stressed” because it had dried out and had become inflexible.

Other trees survived the gale. In fact I sat and watched them swaying back and forth in high wind, unaffected by the buffeting. The difference? They were flexible, moving with the forces of nature, while the ill fated tree had become rigid, unable to adapt to the influences that were pushing on it.

One of the ways to overcome stress is to “go with the flow”. I have learned a valuable lesson from that tree, about the differences between flexibility and rigidity. When you think about it, flexibility is a sign of life. Life is determined by movement, but death by rigidity. Babies, full of life, are supple and flexible and in constant movement, while old age is marked by increasing inactivity and stiffness.

To look at it another way. Which is stronger: water or rock? I think water, because water can wear away rock. But what causes the rock to give way to the water? It is that the water is in constant motion, and it is that energy that gradually breaks down the rock.

That doesn’t mean that we should be blown here and there by every opinion or situation that occurs. A tree has to have roots that are deeply grounded. But the problem with the tree was not its foundation, but its moving parts.

People who are rigid and resist change run the risk of snapping. Those who do not “go with the flow” will get worn away. We need to allow ourselves to stay flexible, open to new ideas and possibilities. Then when the winds of change blow, we will be better able to adapt and be able to adjust to the pressures.

Dr Bill

Thought:
“There is a certain relief in change, even though it be thought to be from bad to worse; as I have found travelling in a stage coach, it is often a comfort to shift one’s position and be bruised in a new place.”
Washington Irving.

When a loved one dies, you often don’t experience the grief of loss just once. You’re likely to relive your grief on special days throughout the year, such as a birthday, holidays or one of many special occasions.

Some reminders are almost inevitable, especially during the first year after a death. That’s when you’ll face a lot of “firsts” — the first holiday after your sister died, for example. The first Mother’s Day after losing your mom. The first anniversary of a national tragedy. The first wedding, the first family get together. There are countless “first’s” during the first year of grief, and all of them come as a reminder of what we have lost and another opportunity to grieve.

Your reactions to these firsts might be intense, but the good news is you’ll probably find it easier to cope with subsequent anniversary dates as years pass.

The return of these feelings of grief is not necessarily a setback in the grieving process. It’s a reflection that the lives of others were important to you, and that you grieve their loss. Learning more about what to expect and how to cope with reminders of your loss can help make the grieving process a healthy, healing one.

Reminders aren’t just tied to the calendar, though. They can be anywhere — in sights, sounds and smells, in the news or on television programs. And they can ambush you, suddenly flooding you with emotions when you drive by the restaurant your wife loved or when you hear a song your friend liked so much.

Here are several ways to cope with reminders of loss and to continue the healing process:
• Be reassured that anniversary reactions are normal and that their intensity will diminish in time.
• Reminisce about your relationship with the person who died. Try to focus on the good things about the relationship and the time you had together, rather than the loss.
• Plan a distraction, such as a weekend away or a visit with friends or relatives.
• If you find yourself becoming more anxious, sad or distressed by news coverage, limit your exposure to news reports about tragic events.
• Draw family members and friends close to you, rather than avoiding them. Find someone who will encourage you to talk about your loss. Stay connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups.
• Allow yourself to feel sadness and a sense of loss. Conversely, allow yourself to also experience joy and happiness as you celebrate special times. In fact, you might find yourself both laughing and crying.

Dr Bill

Thought for the Day:
“Promises may GET friends, but it is performance that KEEPS them.”

Coping Constructively

•As a family, talk about the death with one another; discuss your loss and your pain. Talk about the good times you remember, as well as those times that were not so good. All family members will be grieving in their own manner—don’t criticize because of these differences. Remember that it is better to express feelings than to internalize them and that crying is healthy and therapeutic.

•You may find it helpful to write out your feelings or to write a letter to your dead friend, expressing all the things you were not able to say before the death. For many, this is a good way to say good-bye.

•Allow friends to help. When they ask what they can do for you, don’t be afraid to tell them of your needs and what will help you. It will also help them.

•Consider becoming involved with a bereavement group. Some community groups are specifically structured for survivors of suicide. Through sharing with others who have walked the same path, you may gain some understanding of your reactions and learn ways to cope. Seek professional help and family counseling if necessary.
•Give yourself time, time, and more time. It takes months, even years, to open your heart and mind to healing. Choose to survive and then be patient with yourself. In time, your grief will soften as you begin to heal, and you will feel like investing in life again.

Dr. Bill

Thought for the day:
“In three words I can explain what I’ve learned about life, it goes on.”

Some feel a need to ask “why?” Often, of course, there are no clear answers. This is often the most frustrating part of the entire situation for friends and other family members. After some time you may reach a point where you begin to realize that there are some questions about the death of this person that will never be answered.

You may experience many other emotions. Lack of energy, sleep problems, inability to concentrate, not wanting to talk with others, and the feeling there is nothing to live for are all normal reactions in bereavement. Try to look after yourself with moderate physical activity, plenty of rest, and a good diet. Allow family and friends to take care of you. You don’t have to be strong. Maintain contact with persons you value.

Talking with others who have been through a similar situation may help you to cope. You may even learn from them that it is okay to laugh and smile, even though this seems impossible now. If the depression does not appear to lessen over time, you may want to talk with a qualified professional who can determine how best to help you.

Dr. Bill

Thought for the day:
“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”

While there are many emotions that follow a loss, survivors of suicide often experience excessive anger and guilt.

Anger:
You may feel anger, and you have every right to do so. It may be directed at many different things: at the person themselves for leaving you, or for not giving you an opportunity to help; at those you believe failed to help; at God; at those who try to help you; or even angry at the world in general. You may be angry with yourself because you were unable to save your child.
It’s okay to express anger. Sometimes healing cannot begin until this anger is confronted and expressed. However, a healthy expression of anger does not include hurting yourself or others. You have every right to protest the “Why” of what has happened, but you should be careful not to take that anger out on the wrong people, or those who possibly least deserve to be targets of your wrath. You are angry because you have been left, and because there is nothing you can do now to change the situation. You have every right to feel that, so focus on how you can come to terms with it.

Guilt :
Feelings of guilt following a suicide are normal—for parents and family, friends, classmates, and even coworkers. “If only” is a phrase you may find yourself repeating frequently. You may need to feel guilty for a while until you begin to understand that you are not ultimately responsible for the decisions and actions of another human being, including this loved one. Sometimes you need to go through a feeling to get beyond it. Believe in yourself. You are human—accept your limitations.

Dr. Bill

Thought for the day:
“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.” ~Author Unknown

After the suicide of someone you cared about, denial and feelings of shock, guilt, anger, and depression are often a normal part of grief reactions, but are especially heightened when someone has died by suicide. Though difficult to accept, it is not unusual to experience feelings of relief if the relationship with the person was stressful or destructive to the family unit or community.
A suicide raises painful many questions, doubts, and fears. The knowledge that your love alone was not enough to save the person and the fear that others will judge you to be an unfit parent/ unloving spouse etc. may raise powerful feelings of failure. Realize that if someone makes up their mind to take their own life, there is nothing we can do to stop them … as much as we might like to think there may be. You gave what you could and what that person did with that information was primarily their decision.
It isn’t uncommon for newly bereaved people to express thoughts of suicide themselves, regardless of how their loved one has died. We wonder how we can go on. We harbor fantasies of being reunited with the person. Such feelings are natural, although they are best talked out with a supportive counselor or friend. Remember that suicide is not inherited. Be patient with yourself and your family, and seek professional help and family counseling if necessary.
The stigma often associated with suicide is the result of cultural and religious interpretations of an earlier day. You will find it difficult to progress in your bereavement unless you confront the word suicide, difficult as it may be.
Keeping the cause of death a secret will deprive you of the joy of speaking about the person and may isolate you from family and friends who want to support you. Rather than focusing on the stigma surrounding suicide, concentrate on your own healing and survival.

Dr. Bill

Thought for the day:
“If you take the sadness out of grief, you take the love out of life.” ~ Unknown

1. Surviving A Loved One’s Suicide

The suicide of anyone of any age presents unique circumstances that intensify and prolong the mourning of family members and friends. People who take their own lives are usually trying to end their pain. Suicide is a reaction to overwhelming feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, helplessness, hopelessness, and depression. It usually occurs when a person’s pain exceeds his or her resources and ability to cope. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 10-14 year-olds, the third leading cause among 15-24 year-olds, and the second leading cause among 25-34 year-olds.
While mental illness plays a role in many suicides, not everyone who dies by suicide is mentally ill. Many families endure the frustration caused by the child requiring years of hospitalizations and medications. Other families encounter only brief periods of conflict or worry, while some experience none at all.
Sometimes there are warning signs of the person’s intentions. However, clues may be so disguised that even a trained professional or counselor may not recognize them. Occasionally there are no discernible signs, and the child’s suicide becomes a catastrophic impulsive decision that can never be understood or resolved.
One change now occurring is in the language of suicide. The terms “died by suicide,” “died from suicide,” and “died of suicide” are being adopted rather than the harsh “committed suicide,” the language of an earlier era that carries a stigma of criminality so often offensive to families whose children have taken their own lives.
In the next few blogs, I will try to address some of the specific grief issues that survivors of suicide face.

Dr. Bill

Thought for the day:
“When you come to the edge of all that you have known, there will be two possibilities awaiting you: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.”

6. Grief is a Manageable Experience:

It is never too early to sow seeds of hope. You will make it through this process, even though it may be difficult to see that hope right this minute.

But think for a moment. You have learned that what you are going through, though painfully difficult, is not abnormal or unusual. You are not weak, or “not coping”. You are someone who cared. And now that the person you cared about has died, you are struggling to come to terms with life as it now is. That is understandable. I regard grieving individuals as good people who have been temporarily overwhelmed by their situation and who with help and support will be able to make it through this difficult time.

Yet grief is difficult and it is always a struggle. It is never easy to lose someone or something you have relied on. This is possibly the most difficult experience of life. Some people, after a loss, see themselves as victims. They refuse to struggle to come to terms with the situation. But as we struggle, we discover that in every loss there is a gain. Expectant mother have labor pains, teenagers have growing pains, but out of that pain comes growth and life. That doesn’t make the pain any easier, but it does help put it in a meaningful context.

Dr. Bill

Thought for the day:
“Have courage for the great sorrows in life, and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.
Victor Hugo