Sean, my trusty webmaster, tells me that we actually are getting many regular visitors to my BLOG which I am very pleased to hear. However, we have also been encountering a problem, because some less desireables (”bots” Sean calls them) ( I hope that is not a politically incorrect or bad word!!!) have managed to send overwhelming amounts of SPAM and junk mail through our “comment” feature. So much so that if there HAVE been any legitimate comments, these have been lost in approximately 200 spams per day.

I am sure we all lament that so many people have nothing better to do than compromise a web site like ours which is designed to help grieving people, but it seems to be a fact of life these days.

So we are going to be “shutting down” the Comments feature on the site for a while. You can always contact me by e mail or by registering your e mail through the Forum.

You may also have noticed that we are getting different people sending undesireable messages to the forum once in a while, and we try to keep that cleaned up. However, we now have a way of verifying e mail addresses and we will be doing what we can to prevent these unwanted intrusions. To those who think it clever to disrupt sincere people at their most vulnerable like after a loss, I would say, Get a life, and get some help. (When I get upset, my friends usually say, “But Bill, tell us how you REALLY feel!!!)

I will be starting a series on “Coping with the Holidays” on Friday. I have deliberately waited for December to do this, so as not to fall into the commercial trap of having a 2 month Christmas season.

In the meantime though please take a look at my new Christmas Meditation which is now on the site. We have had many positive comments which we appreciate.

Thanks for checking in. And happy “St Andrew’s Day” to all my Scottish (and Greek) friends tomorrow.

Dr Bill

Thoughts for the Day:

“Never give up, and never give in.”
Hubert H. Humphrey

“Those who dare to fail miserably, can achieve greatly.”
Robert F. Kennedy

Many people of “my” generation remember where they were 43 years ago today. That was the day that the world was shocked by the assassination of President Kennedy.

It is hard for people of “this” generation to realize the shock and grief that people felt that day. We hear of and see violence on a massive scale every day on TV nowadays. But that day changed the world for those of us that were there.

It has been said that the boomer generation lost its innocence that fateful day in Dallas. For with the death of JFK, many felt as if their optimistic hopes and dreams of a brave new world, a new Camelot, were shattered.

Whether or not that was the case is a moot point. In actuality, Kennedy already had a lot of political baggage and it was even being questioned whether he would be re-elected the next year.

But JFK represented something to that generation, and when he died, the world felt like they lost something that could never be regained. Again, whether they DID or not is debateable, but they FELT like they had. And it was that FEELING that was the significant thing.

Do YOU remember where you were when you heard that Kennedy had died? Or Elvis (if he REALLY did)? Or Princess Diana? Why do you think the death of these (and other) celebrities is so memorable to us?

I will share my view on that in my next blog, but in the meantime it would be nice to hear from some of you.

Dr Bill

Thought for the Day:
“Of those to whom much is given, much is required. And when at some future date the high court of history sits in judgement on each one of us, we will be measured by the answers to fours questions: First, were we truly people of courage; second, were we trulu people of judgement; third, were we truly people of integrity; and finally were we truly people of dedication”
John Fitzgerald Kennedy

This is the FINAL blog in this series on Understanding Grief. Next week I will start a series of articles on “Coping with the Holidays”. You will also find my VIDEO, a new ARTICLE and a MEDITATION on the same theme on the front page of the web site.

6. Grief involves Struggle

Grief is difficult. It is never easy to lose someone you have relied and counted on. This is possibly the most difficult experience of your life.

There’s an ancient Warrior Song, that says, “Life has meaning only in the struggle, Triumph or defeat is in the hands of God. So let us celebrate the struggle”. One of the things I believe about God is that He gives us choices. In some things, we have no choice. We had no choice in the death of our loved one, and much as we might like, that situation cannot changed.

But we do have a choice around what we do about it. We can choose to be bitter or better. We can choose to be victims or victors. Some people, after a loss, see themselves as victims. They refuse to struggle to come to terms with the situation.

But is as we struggle that we discover that in every loss there is a gain. You didn’t think you could make it, but suddenly you’re discovering strength and resources you didn’t know you had. Expectant mother have labor pains, teenagers have growing pains, but out of that pain comes growth and life. That doesn’t make the pain any easier, but it does help put it in a meaningful context.

Life is full of problems. Each one has the potential to be a stepping stone or a stumbling block. Will the problem trip you up and be a barrier to your progress? Or will you allow it to become a stepping stone to growth and renewed life. Stepping stone or stumbling block. Both are made of the same material. What we do with them makes all the difference.

Dr Bill

Thought for the Day:
“Even the woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head, and keeps pecking away at the problem until he finishes the job he started.”

5. Grief involves Support

While many friends are supportive around the time of the death, grieving people often discover that support fades shortly after the funeral.

When someone is going through a bad time, we tend to leave them alone, often because their situation makes US feel uncomfortable. We aren’t quite sure what to say or do, and many end up saying and doing nothing.

I know many grieving people who feel quite abandoned after their loss, even though this is not the intention of their friends.

After a loss, people need to talk. To be more accurate, they need to talk and talk. Part of the resolution of grief is found in reviewing the events of the person’s life and death, and reliving our memories. Many people find grief support groups helpful. The opportunity to share with others of similar experience can help bring resolution.

Yet, it is not easy. Often, we delay getting back into the swing of things because that would be to admit that life is going on without our loved one, and we may not be ready for that yet. If you have a friend with whom you can share, you are very fortunate. Possibly you could talk to your minister, or to a grief counselor, and your local funeral home/hospice/medical advisor can direct you to professional resources or to support programmes in your community.

Dr Bill

Thought for the Day:
“To get the full value of joy, you must have people to divide it with.”
Mark Twain

4. Grief involves Survival

After a loss, we may wonder how we are going to manage to go on without our loved one. It is not easy to lose whomever or whatever we have counted on for support, encouragement and indeed the confidence to face the world. When this does happen, we struggle to cope with many unexpected and surprising emotions. Basically these emotions help us face the question, How will I manage in the light of my loss? Will I be able to go on without the person?

Often in the early days after a loss, it is simply a matter of survival. That word actually derives from two Latin words… “vivo” - live, and “sur” - beyond. To survive means to find the resources to “live beyond” the experience of loss. The adjustments one must make are many. These can be practical, emotional, physical, social and spiritual. Each adjustment can be a painful process. Sometimes mere survival is a major success.

Dr Bill

Thought for the Day:
“It is always too soon to quit! There are always reasons to go on …. even though you may not see just what they are right now.”
Dr Bill Webster “When Someone You Care About Dies”