So Christmas is finally here. For some of you that may be a relief, but I hope that our tips for handling the holidays have been helpful.

So what can we do on the day itself?

Remind yourself, it is not going to be easy BUT:
* I am doing what I planned and decided what I wanted to do.
* My tears are not a sign of weakness but an indication of how special the relationship was.
* I must go easy on myself, and on others, and not put too many expectations on the day.
* I will focus on happy memories, not on regrets of the past.
* Regardless, I will try to make the best of my situation.
* I will hold onto the hope that next Christmas will be brighter.

My friend, no matter how dark your situation, remember one thing. There is not enough darkness in the whole universe to hide the light of even one candle. Even when there is a flicker of hope, that overcomes the darkness. It may not banish it completely, but it is never all dark as long as there remains one flicker of hope. So come on, TODAY, light a candle… to indicate that you believe there is hope for you to find your way through the darkness.

I hope you have a meaningful Christmas, and a better new Year.

Dr Bill

Griever’s “Gifts to Me” Ideas:
My gift to me is to take care of me and allow myself to have some “time-out” and indulge in an emotional and spiritual retreat.

My gift to me is to not numb myself with excessive eating, drinking, or drugs, or harm myself or others; and if an emotional crisis occurs, I will turn to those who can offer help.

My gift to me is to surround myself with those who appreciate, understand and respect my need to seek harmony and well being during this season of peace on earth.

As the Christmas season fast approaches, a few more tips on how we can handle the holidays after a significant loss.

4. Look after Yourself.
Make sure in the rush and bustle of the season you don’t overdo things. Respect your body’s need for rest, because you are going through a lot these days. Make sure you get good nutrition, and some exercise. Do what you need to do to look after yourself this season. And above all, be compassionate with yourself about not being perfect. So what if you don’t get presents for everyone, or send out cards. The world will go on, and people will understand. So be gentle with yourself.

Ask for and Accept Help.
Let me quote a friend of mine:
“In the midst of my adversity, I noticed a tendency to retreat, not to bother anyone else with my misfortune. What a mistake! The love and support of family and friends, in letters, phone calls, visits and invitations, was so gratifying and so enriching as to defy description. This caring continues to stand out in my mind as a bright spot in an otherwise bleak scenario. Reach out rather than retreat! Martyrdom is not necessarily a part of the grieving process.”
Ask for what you need from other people. Keep in mind that they did invite you to “let me know if there is anything I can do!” But remember that family and friend are not mind readers. Let them know your wishes and what you need to get through the holidays. Reach out to them and they will usually respond.

Try to find Something Positive in your Life.
Nothing can bring your loved one back, but you can keep that person’s memory and spirit alive by doing something special in their memory. So is there a way you can help someone else whose Christmas will be difficult. It does not have to be elaborate. Volunteer somewhere. Have someone over. Provide help to a needy family. Plant a tree, make a financial donation to a worthy cause, or help a needy child or student. You will find that by helping someone else, you feel better about yourself. But know your limits, for you can’t BUY your way out of grief.

Dr Bill

Griever’s “Gifts to Me” Ideas
My gift to me is to disallow others to force me into doing things I don’t want to do; I will not let them “should” on me.

My gift to me is to talk about happy memories and good times past, and laugh if I want. Having a good time does not mean that I have forgotten the one I love.

My gift to me is to surround myself with those who appreciate, understand and respect my need to seek harmony and well being during this season of peace on earth.

With Christmas only one week away, we continue with tips for handling the holidays and some gifts to give ourselves for a grieving Christmas.

3. Stay in touch with your Feelings
Whatever you decide to do this Chrismas, acknowledge that you can’t escape grief. Family “get togethers” may be difficult for you. People are supposed to be happy and merry during the holidays, but you probably don’t feel that way. That is understandable. If you are not feeling joyful, accept those feelings. Be honest about them. Talk about how much you are missing the person. Chances are others are feeling the same way.

Don’t be afraid to Relive your Memories
Talk openly, and let people know that the person who died should be mentioned. Too often there is a “conspiracy of silence” This is because people do not know what to do and are afraid they will say the wrong thing. Mentioning the person’s name gives others permission to remember and to grieve. Talk about the memories of other Christmas’ and laugh at the humorous things you remember about the person’s life.

Dr Bill

Griever’s “Gifts to Me” Ideas
My gift to me is to be aware that the sights, sounds, smells and music of the holiday season may bring “grief bursts”. This is OK. This is my tribute to my dead loved one.

My gift to me is to remember something special about the one who died and share that memory with others who support me.

My gift to me is to talk about happy memories and good times past, and laugh if I want. Having a good time does not mean that I have forgotten the one I love.

As the Christmas holiday season approaches, we are considering some tips on handling the stresses and strains that grieving people can face.

2. Take Responsibility for your own Happiness
“Initiate rather than Hesitate” is good advice. “Act rather than react.” Don’t wait for others to invite you, or to suggest what should happen. YOU decide what would make this Christmas meaningful. Do things because YOU want to do them.

RE-EXAMINE YOUR PRIORITIES: Take a good look at some of the traditions and activities that can take so much energy at this time of year … energy that we might not feel we have. Things like sending out greeting cards, holiday baking, putting up a tree, having the whole family over for dinner, and many other activities and traditions that can be a part of the season.

Ask yourself: Do I really enjoy doing this? Is this something I REALLY want to do this year? Is it a tradition we like or an obligation we endure? Would the holidays be the same without it? Is this a task that can be shared? Who could I ask to help?

Dr Bill

Griever’s “Gifts to Me” Idea:
My gift to me is to acknowledge my Christmas wish list:
to put up a tree-if I wish;
to send cards-if I wish;
to have our traditional Christmas-if I wish;
to go on a holiday-if I wish;
etc etc - if I wish!

In the next 12 Days before Christmas, I will give a series of Tips for Handling the Holidays, plus at the end, a GIFT for a Grieving Christmas which you can give to yourself or share with another.

1. Recognize that this Christmas is different.
Each holiday has its traditions that may have been formed decades ago. THIS Christmas is a NEW holiday, unlike any other, no matter how hard you try to make it the same. Maybe this is the time to look at the traditions and say, Why do we do this? Is it because we WANT to do this, or simply that we have always done it this way?

DECIDE WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE COMFORTABLY AND LET FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOW. How can I reduce the pressure? Can I handle the responsibility of the family dinner (and many other responsibilities) or shall I ask someone else to do it? Do I want to talk about my loved one or not? How do I let people know this?

Shall I stay here for the holidays or go to a completely different environment? I will miss the person and grieve regardless of geographic location, so where do I prefer to do it?

More tomorrow.

Dr Bill

Griever’s “Gifts to Me” Idea:
My gift to me is to acknowledge that the anticipation of any holiday can often be much worse than the actual event.

Christmas can be one of the most painfiul reminders of what we have lost.

Remember the old song that lamented “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”? If I were to ask you all you want for Christmas this year, I think I know what it would be. All I wanted for Christmas 1983 was my wife back, for life to be back to normal, or for things to be the way they were the last Christmas before she died. I really do understand some of those feelings.

And yet, even though this Christmas may not be so jolly, can you be thankful for SOMETHING? Of course you are sad because someone you care about is absent, or your situation has changed, and that is natural and it is right. But can you be thankful for the years you did have and the memories you still share?

Celebrate what you HAVE as well as realizing what you’re missing. Someone may be missing, but are there people who WILL be there this year for whom you can be thankful? Don’t allow looking back at the past to spoil what you have in the present. Yes, you miss the person who will not be there, but are there children, relatives and friends you can enjoy today? It may not cancel out your sadness but it certainly makes it easier.

And what of the future? You may wonder if you will ever feel happy again, or if life will ever be the same. Those feelings are understandable, and probably little I say will convince you today that you are going to be OK and that you will find a way through this. But it is important that you hold on to that hope. You may not be able to see it, and you may not even be sure you can believe it, but you must hold on to hope that there will be days that are brighter.

Dr Bill

Thought for the Day:
“No matter what has shattered your hopes and dreams, or broken your heart, you are not beyond repair!”
Dr Bill Webster
“A Not So Jolly Christmas”

Perhaps you’re anticipating these holidays with some apprehension because of a significant loss. Here are a few more suggestions to make the season more bearable:

• Redefine your Expectations: Realize that YOU are responsible for your own happiness. So ACT rather than REACT. Don’t wait for others to decide what to do, and hope they’ll include you. Decide what would be a meaningful way to spend this difficult holiday. Do the things that are important and special to you. Do your best in the difficult circumstances and, above all, go easy on yourself. If something doesn’t work out this year, you can change it and try again next year. Feel free to do whatever is right for you.

• Relive your Memories: Christmas is always a time of many memories. This one may be especially nostalgic. I think it is important to relive those memories. It is amazing how often we try to avoid the subject of loss. You may find that no-one seems to want to mention the fact that someone has died or that there has been a loss or a change. After all, they surmise, “someone might get upset or emotional”. Yet the situation is on everyone’s mind .. and hey, we ARE upset whether we acknowledge it or not. Denying the reality of the situation is often harder than facing up to it.

• If someone has died, can we find a way to celebrate the person’s life as well as acknowledging their death? Perhaps you could light a memorial candle at the dinner table, or take some time to share special memories or stories. Humorous incidents recalled can have a special healing quality to them. Try not to ignore the fact that someone is missing this year, for to pretend that nothing has happened is so unnatural, it actually increases the tension.

Keep watching the blog for more on this important topic. Also, check out the meditation if you haven’t seen it already, and the other resources on the site to help you cope with the holidays .

Dr Bill

Thought for the Day:
“Don’t allow looking back at the past to spoil what you have in the present.”
Dr Bill Webster
‘A Not So Jolly Christmas’

While Santa Claus came to our town a few weeks ago, I have deliberately waited till December to address the important issue of coping with the holidays just as my little protest against the commercial interests that seem to prolong the season unnecessarily. However, I hope in the next few weeks to address some of the issues that grieving people face at Christmas. So here goes:

According to the song “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. But this year may not seem quite so wonderful for you. Oh, it’s more than the usual “bah humbug!” stuff. This year Christmas is going to be different for you, yet the world doesn’t seem to notice or care. A myriad of Christmas images still flood your senses: chestnuts roasting on an open fire; sleigh bells in the snow; stockings on the mantle awaiting Santa’s visit. “’Tis the season to be jolly”, they say, but you feel anything BUT jolly.

In fact, this year the Christmas bells will have a different ring for you. Circumstances have meant a significant change in your life. Perhaps someone you care about has died. There may be an empty chair at the Christmas table this year. But it will not compare to the empty feeling in your heart. Things like pulling out the old familiar decorations and tree ornaments will be a painful reminder of what you have lost.

Perhaps you’re anticipating these holidays with some apprehension because of a significant loss. Probably nothing will make these holidays perfect, but perhaps there are a few suggestions to make them more bearable. Here is the first and I will bring more in the coming weeks:

• Reduce the Pressure: There is always a lot of pressure around Christmas with a thousand and one things like shopping, baking, cards etc. This year you may not feel like you have the energy to do very much, and frankly, you just aren’t excited about it. So ask yourself: “How much CAN I do?” and “What do I WANT to do” Figure out what you SHOULD do, compare it with what you CAN do, divide it by what you WANT to do, and stick to it.

Have you watched my Christmas meditation … you will find the link on the front page of the web site. I hope it will be meaningful. Also, we have a new 6 hour DVD set available if you want to find a gift or stocking stuffer for someone who has had a loss.

Dr Bill

Thought for the Day:
“Realize that THIS Christmas is going to be different and do what you need to do to get through the season”
Dr Bill Webster, “A Not So Jolly Christmas”