{"id":1807,"date":"2012-10-11T20:18:54","date_gmt":"2012-10-12T00:18:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.griefjourney.com\/wp\/?page_id=1807"},"modified":"2012-10-11T20:18:54","modified_gmt":"2012-10-12T00:18:54","slug":"help-me-deal-with-my-emotions","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/griefjourney.com\/startjourney\/when-you-are-grieving\/articles-for-the-grieving-person\/help-me-deal-with-my-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"Help Me Deal With My Emotions"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

\"helpmewithmyemotions\"<\/p>\n

The Many Emotions of Grief<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

While it is important to understand grief and know how it can affect us, we must also acknowledge that:<\/p>\n

\u201cThe focus of grief is not on our ability to understand, but on our ability to FEEL.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I other words, grief is not just a thing of the HEAD; it is a thing of the HEART. It is not enough to KNOW about grief, it is something we experience. You have probably heard it said that \u201cgrief is not an event, it is a process.\u201d While we also need to acknowledge that an individual\u2019s emotional reaction will be unique and \u00a0personal, there are a number of emotions we can identify with which many can identify.<\/p>\n

[notice] 1. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Numbness [\/notice]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Often after a death, and the initial impact, people feel quite numb. Some might describe this as denial, but whatever the appropriate label, it is actually our human defense mechanism which \u201cshuts down\u201d until we can marshal our resources to face the reality of what has occurred. The problem is that others often confuse \u201cnumbness\u201d with \u201cstrength\u201d. How many times do we hear people commend the grieving person at the time of the death for \u201cdoing so well\u201d, and for\u201d how strong they are\u201d. Then when a few months later the numbness wears off and the grieving person is overwhelmed by their emotions, the same folks can compound the difficulty with their well intentioned yet misguided statements of \u201cwhat\u2019s wrong with you. We thought you were doing so well,\u201d implying that now the person isn\u2019t<\/em><\/strong> doing so well. It is vitally important to let people know that their experiences, which may include shock, lack of concentration, forgetfulness, difficulty making decisions, confusion, fatigue, apathy, and others, are in fact natural and there is an explanation for them. This does not minimize their importance, however. The individual needs the confidence to know that they will be able to survive (a word taken from two Latin words, literally meaning \u201cto live beyond.\u201d)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

[notice] Some Possible Emotions: [\/notice]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Shock \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Numbness<\/p>\n

Confusion\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lack of Concentration<\/p>\n

Forgetfulness\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Difficulty making Decisions<\/p>\n

Fatigue \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Apathy<\/p>\n

There may be others.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What are some YOU have experienced?<\/p>\n

People are sometimes tempted to believe they are losing their minds. But in fact this numbness or denial is our defense mechanism which protects us from the full impact of our loss until we are able to cope with it. You are not losing your mind; your mind is simply shutting out the harsh reality which may be too difficult to face right now.<\/p>\n

Trust the process. Trust yourself<\/p>\n

[notice] 2. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Disorientation [\/notice]<\/strong><\/p>\n

When the numbness wears off, (and every individual time frame is different,) what many people experience can be described as being like an explosion or an avalanche of emotions. Everything seems to touch the person on the raw nerve. There can be many emotions associated with grief and no one has a comprehensive list.<\/p>\n

What is important is to validate these emotions, and to enable people to work with the feelings. If they can come to see that feelings teach us about the reaction to our old life, and to our new life without the presence of the person who died. Some in our society regard showing feelings as a sign of weakness. Confronted by emotions, many try to change the subject, or try to get you \u201cnot to think about it\u201d. But good grief encourages people to work through the feelings, and allows them to express their emotions in appropriate ways. This is never easy, for the griever or the helper, yet it is the necessary process which will help them begin to reconcile what has happened.<\/p>\n

Yet, throughout this \u201cseason of disorientation\u201d, it still doesn\u2019t seem real<\/em><\/strong> to the grieving individual. This is why we sometimes describe it as yearning, a word meaning \u201clonging\u201d or \u201cdesire\u201d. The person can not yet believe that this has really happened, their desire is to \u201cfind\u201d that which is lost, so they engage in the psychological task of searching. Reality will surely come. But how is it actualized? The simple answer is \u201cone disappointment after another\u201d. We search and do not find, we yearn, but that longing is not fulfilled. Only after that important process can the reality of our loss be faced.<\/p>\n

[notice] Some Possible Emotions: [\/notice]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oversensitivity\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Over-reacting<\/p>\n

Anxiety \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Fear<\/p>\n

Vulnerability\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Panic,<\/p>\n

Impatience \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Restlessness<\/p>\n

Irritability\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sadness<\/p>\n

Yearning\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Searching<\/p>\n

There may be others. \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 What are some YOU have experienced?<\/p>\n

Some of the people who thought you were \u201cstrong\u201d (when you were really NUMB) may now wonder, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong\u201d. They may comment that \u201cYou seemed to be doing so well\u201d and imply that now that you are SO emotional, maybe there is something wrong, or pathological. In fact, these emotions are not a sign of growing weakness; they are an indication of increasing strength. Your mind has decided that you are a little more able to come to terms with this unbelievable thing that has occurred, and you are now feeling the pain of your grief.<\/p>\n

Trust the process. Trust yourself.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

[notice] 3. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Confrontation [\/notice]<\/strong><\/p>\n

In one sense, the seasons of numbness and disorientation are a time of avoidance, and that is natural. The challenge of this process is to accept the reality of our loss and experience the pain of that realization. At first we are protected from the full impact, but the time comes when we are confronted by the reality of the fact that this person has died, and that there is nothing we can do to change it.<\/p>\n

Thus this is characterized as a time of \u201cangry sadness.\u201d\u00a0 What is it that people confront? More often than not, the reality of the loss confronts people with their own powerlessness to change the situation, for if we could do anything to change the effect, we would surely do it. Thus, the grieving person confronts their sense of inadequacy to control the situation, and our need to master that becomes an issue of \u201cwhat do you do, when there is nothing you can do?\u201d This often becomes the foundation of the responses of anger, guilt and depression. It is wise to recognize that often the guilt and anger are related to that sense of powerlessness, and are a reaction to it, an attempt to gain some sense of control in a situation that is beyond control.<\/p>\n

[notice] Some Possible Emotions: [\/notice]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Helplessness\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0 Powerlessness<\/p>\n

Guilt \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 Anger<\/p>\n

Loneliness\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Depression<\/p>\n

Physical Symptoms\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sleep Disruptions<\/p>\n

Appetite disorders\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Digestive problems<\/p>\n

There may be others.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What are some YOU have experienced?<\/p>\n

Sometimes this \u201cconfrontation\u201d comes long after the actual death. One eminent writer describes it as the \u201csix month syndrome.\u201d While I do not like to put any time frame on grief, it is often several months or even longer after the death that we confront the reality of our loss. Sometimes it is when people think you should have yourself together, that you feel like you are falling apart.<\/p>\n

Trust the process. Trust yourself\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

[notice] 4. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Adjustment [\/notice]<\/strong><\/p>\n

Just as each grief response by every individual is unique, so the adjustments to that specific situation will be different in every case. The question that each individual must address is \u201cHow is my life different in the light of my loss?\u201d That challenge will be faced in numerous areas of the individual\u2019s life, including the following:<\/p>\n

Practical adjustments, where there may be tasks that have to be assumed, some involving new skills or responsibilities; and tasks that may have to be relinquished, such as not having all the 1001 things to do for a loved one throughout an illness.<\/p>\n

Emotional adjustments, such as coming to terms with loneliness, or not having this special person to talk to or share with, can be challenging.<\/p>\n

Social adjustments, where activities that were shared with the deceased are no longer, or feeling \u201cout of place\u201d in a social setting because you are not there with that special person.<\/p>\n

Physical adjustments, where the person may be missing the physical presence of someone, a person they hugged, made love to, or appreciated having THERE.<\/p>\n

Perceptual adjustments, where the bereaved feel marginalized, as if people are looking at them through different eyes, or treating them as broken, or \u201cnot quite whole\u201d.<\/p>\n

We are having to ask ourselves through the time of adjustment, \u201cHow is my life different in the light of my loss.\u201d We need to find ways to empower ourselves to adjust to this new environment in which their lost relationship is missing.<\/p>\n

Trust the process. Trust yourself<\/p>\n

[notice] 5. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Reorganization [\/notice]<\/strong><\/p>\n

The seasons of adjustment and reorganization are precursors to a reestablishment of life, by a social and emotional reentry to the everyday world. We learn to live with loss as we reinvest ourselves in new persons, ideas and things. Reconciliation of grief means coming to the place where we can accept life as meaningful, even in the light of loss. We do not recover from grief, in this sense that loss changes us from ever. But when we learn how to integrate loss into our life, and affirm that life is still meaningful, we have come full circle in our grief journey.<\/p>\n

Of course, as T.S. Eliot puts it, \u201cThe end of our journey will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.\u201d This applies in a special way to grief. Grief should not last forever, and we need to come to the place where we move on. Every destination is the gateway to another journey.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Many Emotions of Grief\u00a0 While it is important to understand grief and know how it can affect us, we must also acknowledge that: \u201cThe focus of grief is not on our ability to understand, but on our ability to FEEL.\u201d I other words, grief is not just a thing of the HEAD; it is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":1790,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"template_leftsidebar.php","meta":{"footnotes":""},"yoast_head":"\nHelp Me Deal With My Emotions - Grief Journey<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/griefjourney.com\/startjourney\/when-you-are-grieving\/articles-for-the-grieving-person\/help-me-deal-with-my-emotions\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Help Me Deal With My Emotions - Grief Journey\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The Many Emotions of Grief\u00a0 While it is important to understand grief and know how it can affect us, we must also acknowledge that: \u201cThe focus of grief is not on our ability to understand, but on our ability to FEEL.\u201d I other words, grief is not just a thing of the HEAD; 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