{"id":3513,"date":"2020-05-11T14:30:54","date_gmt":"2020-05-11T18:30:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/griefjourney.com\/?page_id=3510"},"modified":"2020-10-22T00:55:35","modified_gmt":"2020-10-22T00:55:35","slug":"guilt-and-blame","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/griefjourney.com\/life-in-challenging-times\/guilt-and-blame\/","title":{"rendered":"Guilt and Blame \u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Guilt and Blame<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Some of the most common but troublesome components of the grief process are guilt, anger and blame. While we will deal with anger in our next blog, all three of these difficult emotions often walk hand in hand, because, believe it or not, they all have the same root cause.<\/p>

Listen to what one lady said after her husband died:<\/p>

\u00a0\u201cJim and I had a wonderful relationship, and he was always saying \u2018No regrets.\u2019 But somehow since he died, I just feel so guilty thinking of all the things I could have done better or didn\u2019t do. I blame myself that I didn\u2019t do more for him.\u201d<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>

Many times over the years, I have heard similar sentiments. People tell their story of a good, positive relationship they shared, but at the end they say, \u201cAnd I feel so guilty.\u201d Our first instinct is to respond, \u201cYou mustn\u2019t feel like that. You\u2019ve nothing to feel guilty about.\u201d But for whatever reason, they do<\/em><\/strong> feel guilty.<\/p>

Perhaps some of you may have been beating yourselves up over things that have happened (or haven\u2019t happened) during this crisis, perhaps feeling guilty, possibly blaming others or yourself for things you wish could have been different. You may be surprised to learn what is really<\/em><\/strong> happening!<\/p>

Grief is unwelcome because it forces us to live with circumstances that we would love to change, <\/em><\/strong>or with an outcome that is not we wanted or as we had hoped. When tragedies occur, we wish there was something we could have done to prevent, postpone or even prohibit the inevitable. Most would say that they would be willing to do anything<\/em><\/strong> to change what has happened, but now, sadly, there is nothing we can do to alter what is now unchangeable.<\/p>

And then the question becomes, \u201cWhat do you do when there\u2019s nothing you can do?\u201d<\/em><\/strong> While that may seem contradictory, it is a very real issue.<\/p>

One of the things we often \u201cdo\u201d when there is \u201cnothing we can do\u201d is to express guilt, anger and blame. The reason we do this because we would rather feel guilty,<\/em><\/strong> angry, or blame<\/em><\/strong> others than admit that we are powerless to change what has happened and there is nothing we can do!<\/p>

I am suggesting that at the \u201croot\u201d of these three emotions is our feelings of helplessness and powerless to change what has happened.<\/p>

But let\u2019s begin with guilt. In a situation where there is nothing we can do<\/em><\/strong>, we try to discover what we could have done<\/em><\/strong>. Every guilt statement contains variations on the verb \u201cto do\u201d <\/em>expressed in “if only” phrases.<\/p>

\u201cIf only I had done this. What if I had done that? I should have done things differently. I could have done \u2026 I wish I had done \u2026 something more. If only I hadn’t allowed something to happen. And we go on and on.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>

Most guilt is based on the false assumption that “if I had tried harder, things would be different”. Every time we feel we could have \u201cdone\u201d something it gives us a feeling of control. Each “if only” suggests the disaster could have been averted or at least postponed if something different had been done.<\/p>

But sadly it is an illusion of control, because sometimes we cannot manage situations as much as we would like to, or think we can. Every \u201cif only\u201d takes todays knowledge and tries to apply it to yesterday\u2019s experience. If only I had known\u201d, we cry; but that\u2019s the point. We didn\u2019t<\/em><\/strong> know \u2026 so why do we feel guilty for something we did not have knowledge about to be able to control or change it.<\/p>

Guilt then is often an attempt to punish myself for what I did not do, but could have done, should have done, wish I\u2019d done, that might have changed the outcome. \u00a0But because I did not do something, guilt is the retribution, an attempt to rebuke ourselves for not being able to prevent what has happened.<\/p>

I have come to realize that there is a big difference between being<\/em><\/strong> guilty, and feeling<\/em><\/strong> guilty. Many people feel<\/em><\/strong> at fault even though there may not be much evidence to suggest that they are really to blame.<\/p>

So here is the heart-breaking bottom line: Most people would rather feel guilty<\/em><\/strong> than feel helpless.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>

By the way, blame is exactly the same issue. Guilt says, \u201cI could have done something\u201d, while blame says \u201cYou (or they) should have done something.\u201d Some people take the responsibility upon themselves, whether they have any responsibility or not. But the majority blames others; blaming everyone for else for what has gone wrong. Think of the times you have heard people or politicians playing that \u201cblame game\u201d. Guilt says \u2018It\u2019s my fault\u201d which may or may not be true; blame says \u201cIt\u2019s somebody else\u2019s fault.\u201d Both assume that there has to be \u201cfault\u201d which as we will see is not necessarily so.<\/p>

Most guilt is based on the false assumption that “if I had tried harder, things would be different”. We often feel guilty because we feel like we did not do enough. But when it comes to someone you love, how much is enough? Here is the problem: When you have done everything for someone you love, it never feels like it is enough.<\/p>

But sometimes in life \u201cstuff happens\u201d in spite of our best intentions. Remind yourself about all the things you DID do and let the rest go.<\/p>

The only real answer to guilt is in forgiveness. Forgiveness can be necessary on three levels. First, sometimes there are things that we are really guilty about and we struggle with our sins of omission or neglect\u2026 not just feeling guilty, perhaps we need to make amends, or to find peace with God. We need to accept that forgiveness, mercy and grace for ourselves, and then determine to go on with life learning from our mistakes.<\/p>

On another level, we need also to accept the forgiveness of our loved one. What would they <\/em><\/strong>say to you, if they could see you beating yourself up with regret and remorse? Think about it this way. If you<\/em><\/strong> had died, would you want your loved one to go through life tormented by guilt or blame? Of course not, and so accept their desire for your happiness and let that guilt go.<\/p>

Most crucial of all, forgive yourself. But you may ask: what do I have to forgive myself for, especially if I am only \u201cfeeling\u201d guilty? Why do I need to forgive myself if \u201cstuff has happened\u201d and it\u2019s really nobody\u2019s fault or if nobody is really to blame?<\/p>

We often have to forgive ourselves for being human. Sometimes we are not in control of what happens, especially preventing the death of people we love, and that is part of our humanity we need to accept.<\/p>

Go easy on yourself.\u00a0 Focus on all the things you DID do for your loved one. Make a list of all the good things, all the special times, all the gifts and surprises.\u00a0 Eventually you will see you did everything you could, and maybe the rest is not very important.<\/p>

Next time, we will be looking at anger and many other emotions<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Life in Challenging Times Topics:<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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