{"id":5392,"date":"2020-10-06T01:11:05","date_gmt":"2020-10-06T01:11:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/griefjourney.com\/?page_id=5392"},"modified":"2020-10-22T00:08:48","modified_gmt":"2020-10-22T00:08:48","slug":"10-facts-about-grief-and-grieving","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/griefjourney.com\/article-library\/10-facts-about-grief-and-grieving\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Facts About Grief and Grieving"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Articles: Grief Process<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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10 Facts About Grief and Grieving\n<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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One reason that we often find grief such a difficult challenge is that we have never learned what to expect. The following facts will help you understand some crucial truths about grief and grieving and how we can work through the process to find healing.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>

  1. Grief is normal.<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>

    Grief is not a disease. It is the normal, human response to a significant loss.\u00a0 People may encourage you to \u201cbe strong\u201d or \u201cnot to cry\u201d.\u00a0 But how sad it would be if someone we cared about died and we didn\u2019t cry or we carried on as if nothing had happened.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to think that someone will miss me enough to shed a tear after I\u2019m gone.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t you?\u00a0 When you lose someone special from your life you are going to grieve.\u00a0 Our grief is saying that we miss the person and that we\u2019re struggling to adjust to a life without that special relationship.\u00a0 Admittedly, saying that grief is NORMAL does not minimize it\u2019s DIFFICULTY.\u00a0 It may be one of the most challenging experiences of your life.\u00a0 But you are not crazy, or weak, or \u201cnot handling things\u201d.\u00a0 You are experiencing grief and after a significant loss that is a normal response.\u00a0<\/p>

    1. The worst kind of grief is YOURS<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>

      A loss is a very personal matter.\u00a0 Your loss seems like the worst possible thing that could have happened to you.\u00a0 Sometimes people ask if it is more difficult to lose a spouse than to lose a child.\u00a0 Others question if it is worse to lose someone after a long lingering illness or if they die suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack or in an accident.\u00a0 While these circumstances make each loss different, they are not important to you right now.\u00a0 The worst kind of loss is yours.\u00a0 <\/strong>When you lose a significant person from your life, whatever the relationship, it hurts and nothing takes away from your right to feel the loss and grief the absence of that person from your life.\u00a0<\/p>

      1. The way out of grief is through it.<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>

        Grief is painful.\u00a0 Loss is one of the most difficult human experiences.\u00a0 There is no easy way around it.\u00a0 We may try to avoid the pain.\u00a0 We may attempt to get over it as quickly as possible.\u00a0 But most often it simply does not work that way.\u00a0 Helen Keller said \u201cThe only way to get to the other side is to go through the door\u201d.\u00a0 We need to find the courage to go through this experience of grief.\u00a0 Learning this is a major key to recovery.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>

        1. Your grief is intimately connected to the relationship<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>

          Every relationship holds a special and unique significance to us.\u00a0 To fully interpret our grief response we need to understand what the relationship brought to my life and therefore what has been lost from my life.\u00a0 We may grieve the loss of a parent differently from the loss of a friend.\u00a0 Each made a different contribution to our lives.\u00a0 What we have lost is not the same and so we grieve differently.\u00a0 Two individuals, both experiencing the loss of a spouse, may grieve quite differently because of the differing circumstances (the duration, level of happiness etc) of the relationship.\u00a0<\/p>

          1. Grief is hard work<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>

            A grief response is often referred to as \u201cGrief-work\u201d.\u00a0 It requires more energy to work through than most people expect.\u00a0 It takes a toll on us physically and emotionally.\u00a0 This is why we often feel so fatigued after a loss or why we may feel very apathetic towards people and events.\u00a0 The problem is often compounded by people\u2019s expectations of us to be strong or pull ourselves together or to get on with life.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>

            1. Your grief will take longer than most people think<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>

              How long will grief last?\u00a0 It is finished when it is finished.\u00a0 The first few months may be particularly intense.\u00a0 The first year is difficult: especially the first Christmas or Hanukkah, the first birthday, anniversary, Mother\u2019s Day, Valentine\u2019s Day, \u201ca year ago today day\u201d and many other times that remind us of our loss.\u00a0 All are difficult days and we need to anticipate them, know they are normal and be compassionate with ourselves.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Some\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 writers describe\u00a0 the\u00a0 second year of grief as the lonely year when the realization of the life without the deceased becomes even more of a reality.\u00a0 Take your time.\u00a0 As John Donne says \u201cHe who has no time to mourn, has no time to mend.\u201d\u00a0 Grief always takes longer than people expect.\u00a0<\/p>

              1. Grief is unpredictable<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>

                You may experience a wide variety of feelings and reactions, not just those generally associated with grief, like sadness, crying, depression etc.\u00a0 Some of your responses may seem quite uncharacteristic.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThis isn\u2019t like me\u201d, you may think.\u00a0 Grief is unpredictable.\u00a0 We cannot present it in a neat predictable package.\u00a0 Just when you think you have it figured out something comes along to surprise us.\u00a0 In an unexpected moment, suddenly, without warning you find yourself missing the person again.\u00a0 In fact the one predictable thing about grief is that it is unpredictable.<\/p>

                1. There may be \u201cSecondary losses\u201d to deal with<\/strong>.<\/li><\/ol>

                  The death of any individual, difficult as that may be by itself, may also precipitate many other changes in your life.\u00a0 For some it may mean the loss of financial security, a home, or even their independence.\u00a0 For some it may mean the loss of a role: eg the role of being a parent to a child who dies.\u00a0 For others it may be the loss of our hopes and dreams of \u201cliving happily ever after\u201d or enjoying retirement together, or having dad walk me down the aisle.\u00a0 There may be many losses – environment, status, alteration of relationships – because of the death.\u00a0 Each one has it\u2019s own impact and each loss needs to be mourned.<\/p>

                  1. Grief comes and goes<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>

                    We have said that grief is not a disease.\u00a0 If you have a sore throat, it is painful for a few days, then the pain eases off and gradually disappears.\u00a0 Grief does not work that way, however. Our healing process is different from a sickness model.\u00a0\u00a0 Sometimes, at first, we do not feel the pain of grief because we are in shock and numb.\u00a0 Often the pain is more intense some months after the event.\u00a0 Even then grief is not unlike a roller coaster.\u00a0 One day we feel pretty good, the next we find ourselves in the depths of despair.\u00a0 Just when we think we are getting over it we may experience another devastating setback.\u00a0 This can be discouraging to those who do not know what is happening.\u00a0\u00a0 Most have not learned that grief comes and goes and takes much longer than most people expect.\u00a0 We need to realize that this is the way grief works itself out and trust that the process, difficult as it is, is helping us work towards reconciliation.\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>

                    • Effective grief work is not done alone<\/strong><\/li><\/ul>

                      Society has unrealistic expectations about mourning and often responds inappropriately.\u00a0 Most people do not understand what is normal in grief, expecting us to get over it quickly and expressing these expectations in a way that seems less than sensitive.\u00a0\u00a0 Many people mistakenly believe that grief is so personal we want to keep it to ourselves.\u00a0 People mean well, but they are not being helpful.\u00a0 Sometimes when people are using cliches or expressing unrealistic expectations we feel like shutting ourselves away.\u00a0 Often they feel uncomfortable with our grief and so, shortly after the funeral is over, the person or the loss is not mentioned.\u00a0 There sometimes seems to be a conspiracy of silence.\u00a0 People are afraid to say or do the wrong thing so they say and do nothing which is possibly the worst thing.\u00a0 Grieving people need to talk.\u00a0 Not everyone will be willing or even able to respond to you.\u00a0 In fairness, not everyone can.\u00a0 Accept that and try to find a support group or a counsellor who can help.\u00a0 Or talk to someone who has been through a similar experience.\u00a0 I believe in the power of shared experiences, and often others who have been through the deep places can be a real help.\u00a0 Grief is about coping with the loss of a relationship and often in a helping relationship, relief can be found.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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