{"id":5652,"date":"2020-10-13T23:03:03","date_gmt":"2020-10-13T23:03:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/griefjourney.com\/?page_id=5652"},"modified":"2020-10-13T23:04:21","modified_gmt":"2020-10-13T23:04:21","slug":"toxic-positivity","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/griefjourney.com\/article-library\/toxic-positivity\/","title":{"rendered":"Toxic Positivity"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Articles: Life Reorganization<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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Toxic Positivity\n<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Do you know the distinction between grief and mourning? Grief is our internal reaction to any situation of loss, or how you feel within yourself; mourning is how we express and communicate those feelings outside of ourselves.<\/p>

Sadly grief and mourning don\u2019t always harmonize in practice. There is often a \u201cdissonance\u201d between the experience and the expression. Think about it! When someone dies, inside yourself you feel like your heart is breaking, your world turned upside down.<\/p>

Then someone asks, \u201cHow are you?\u201d<\/p>

The grieving person puts on a brave smile, and responds \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d Inside they feel devastated, yet they choose to project a brave front, a good face on the situation.<\/p>

Why does this happen? The conflict is fuelled by people who say, \u201cNow you have to look on the bright side. You need to focus on the good things in your life.\u201d<\/p>

The subtle suggestion is that it not okay to be sad, leaving the grieving person feeling confused and conflicted.<\/p>

It is known as \u201ctoxic positivity<\/strong>\u201d and we have all probably done it at some point. The phrase refers to the concept that keeping positive is the right way to live your life. It suggests only focusing on positive things and rejecting or avoiding anything that may trigger negative emotions.<\/p>

Comments like this cause someone feeling torn apart, caught between whether to be honest about their true feelings of grief and devastation; or to put forward the brave face that people want (and are relieved!) to see.<\/p>

One lady put it succinctly: \u201cNot being able to talk to people about sad things made it all feel worse. I wore a smile, but it felt like a gag. On the outside, I looked like the poster child for resilience, but on the inside I was choking on the overwhelming sadness I felt.<\/p>

What was worse, people seemed to prefer the fake smiling version of me, even though they must have suspected that it really was all just an act.\u201d<\/p>

There\u2019s a very good reason why toxic positivity should be named and shamed. It leaves the grieving person feeling lonely, isolated, abandoned and worst of all, phony. You can\u2019t feel truly loved by someone if you can\u2019t share negative emotions with them, or be sad or scared or angry around them. It\u2019s how we bond.<\/p>

As a friend once wisely commented, \u201cGrief is good for body mind and soul. It\u2019s just not so good for the image<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>

A recent Internet meme refers to people wanting to \u201cfeel seen\u201d, which means “I am glad that someone understands me”. It expressed the desire that we want to be acknowledged in our complexity, even when it isn\u2019t pretty. It pleads, \u201cPlease notice that I am not doing so well, even if I pretend that I am.\u201d<\/p>

Sharing sadness is a healthy and normal human social behaviour. Feeling loved means being comfortable showing our whole messy selves to each other … even if it\u2019s not good for the \u201cimage\u201d.<\/p>

In healthy relationships, when we share our sorrows, fears, and frustrations with trusted others, it actually creates feelings of connection, of being heard and understood. Sharing our true feelings, rather than hiding them, actually elicits compassion and assistance from those who are open to accepting us as wounded people.<\/p>

Admittedly not everyone is emotionally able to do that. Some people prefer to avoid the sad realities of life, and their defence mechanism is \u201ctoxic positivity.\u201d<\/p>

But life is difficult. There are no easy answers to pain and loss and suffering. It is always a struggle. It is much more difficult to \u201cget through\u201d hard times on your own, without sharing them with other people. That\u2019s why people attend community grief groups or talk to counsellors \u2026 but why not add \u201cfriends\u201d to that list?<\/p>

Toxic positivity statements to avoid include:<\/p>

\u00a0\u201cMaybe it\u2019s for the best.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s a blessing in disguise.\u201d \u00a0 \u201cThey are in a better place.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThere must be a purpose in this.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u201cYou\u2019ve got to be strong.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLife must go on.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cGet a hold of yourself.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLook on the bright side. Don\u2019t wallow in self pity.\u201d<\/p>

Rather use statements like:<\/p>

\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cTell me how you feel.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t imagine how painful this must be.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s hard to see any meaning in this right now.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u201cYou must really miss them.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d like to help you through this.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s OK to hurt and to grieve.\u201d<\/p>

Ask questions that invite people to expand on what they are feeling, like \u201cTell me more,\u201d or \u201cCan you share what that was like?\u201d \u201cHow did you feel about that?\u201d Most of all, be willing just to sit with people in the silence. Don\u2019t feel you have to say anything. Just \u201cbe there\u201d for them.<\/p>

At the very least, people shouldn\u2019t tell someone how to heal from something they haven\u2019t been through themselves.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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