{"id":5680,"date":"2020-10-13T23:35:28","date_gmt":"2020-10-13T23:35:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/griefjourney.com\/?page_id=5680"},"modified":"2020-10-13T23:36:20","modified_gmt":"2020-10-13T23:36:20","slug":"eight-ways-to-help","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/griefjourney.com\/article-library\/eight-ways-to-help\/","title":{"rendered":"Eight Ways to Help"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Articles: Helping Others<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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Eight Ways to Help\n<\/h2>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t
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Listening.\u00a0<\/strong>Be a friend who is prepared to\u00a0give their time, to listen and to acknowledge the extent of your friend\u2019s loss. Listening is the key. Bear witness, and allow your friend to be upset, to be confused and contradictory, or to say nothing at all. Every time they tell their story once more, or are allowed to say how important the person who has died was, the burden of carrying their pain\u00a0on their own is incrementally a\u00a0little lighter.<\/p>

It\u2019s not about you.\u00a0<\/strong>Follow the mourner\u2019s lead: they may not want to talk about their grief right now, or even with you. It is good to say something to acknowledge their loss, but then let them have the control they need (they had none over the death), to choose to talk or not. If\u00a0they ask you to come and be with them, and want to talk openly to you, go. If they truly do not want you to visit, and do not want to deal with it at that particular time, don\u2019t force it on them. Don\u2019t confuse your need to speak or call or be in contact, with your friend\u2019s need.<\/p>

Acknowledgment.\u00a0<\/strong>Death isn\u2019t catching, but those who are bereaved might think so, judging by the fear they see in other people\u2019s eyes. People are frightened about whether to come forward, about what to say, about saying the wrong thing \u2013 so, in the end, they say nothing. All\u00a0of\u00a0that comes from a belief that whatever you say should make things better, that you should have enough wisdom to make the pain more bearable. But you can\u2019t. Nor do you need to. Being kind enough to dare to acknowledge them and their situation is good enough.<\/p>

Offering to be there if they need you, suggesting that they should be the one to ring you, is probably asking too much of your friend at this time. It is better if you take the initiative and make contact, and then follow their lead: they may want to see or speak with you \u2013 or not. Often, people don\u2019t make contact because they feel they don\u2019t know the bereaved person well enough. If you are erring one way or the other, better to err on the side of making contact.<\/p>

Practical help.\u00a0<\/strong>Doing practical things is often what really makes a difference. Don\u2019t say, \u201cLet me know if I can help\u201d; actually and specifically offer to do something helpful. At the beginning of a bereavement, there may be a lot of\u00a0people around, so bringing food may\u00a0be the best thing you can do. Taking food around for longer than the initial crisis is rare, and therefore particularly appreciated.<\/p>

Honesty.\u00a0<\/strong>Be honest. Honesty is\u00a0comforting and easy to deal with. There is a direct cleanness to honesty that cuts through much of the\u00a0complex messiness of grief, and this can come as an enormous relief to\u00a0people.<\/p>

Also, be honest about what you actually can do rather than covering up because you feel guilty about what\u00a0you can\u2019t. Be specific: say, \u201cI\u2019m going to come round for half an hour\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ll come on Tuesday\u201d; don\u2019t say, \u201cI\u2019ll come whenever you want, tell me, and I\u2019ll be there\u201d, and then find you can\u2019t deliver on that offer.<\/p>

Be sensitive.\u00a0<\/strong>While being honest\u00a0is important, so is being sensitive. Promiscuous honesty is not\u00a0a good idea. Be aware of showing too openly that your life is trotting along happily, as that can feel like rubbing their nose in your happiness.<\/p>

Be in it for the long haul.\u00a0<\/strong>Try to\u00a0remember to make contact and be supportive after everyone else\u00a0has gone. Usually three months following the death, people get back\u00a0to their lives, as they should. But it is\u00a0by no means over for the person who is bereaved. Sending a\u00a0text or popping by can be hugely\u00a0supportive.<\/p>

Writing.\u00a0<\/strong>Whether letters, cards, texts or\u00a0emails: it doesn\u2019t matter what\u00a0you write \u2013 all are extremely helpful. It is better, however, to say\u00a0that you don\u2019t want a reply, because some people simply can\u2019t\u00a0respond. And it\u00a0is never too late\u00a0to send them. It is\u00a0a\u00a0welcome surprise to receive a card much later,\u00a0because it is when everyone else has forgotten and your\u00a0friend is\u00a0still grieving.<\/p>

When you do write, try to make it personal and avoid tired cliches such as, \u201cShe\u2019s had a good innings\u201d or \u201cBetter to have loved and lost\u201d, because they are trite and in some way diminish the personal importance of this very loved person who has died.<\/p>

You don\u2019t need to go into long explanations of why the person has died or theological explorations about death; just be loving and personal, warm and acknowledging.<\/p>

Simple, yet so helpful.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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